As far as I can remember, my vocation started when I was a little boy. One time, when I and my pious mother attended mass, I was 8 years old then, when questions molded in my phantasm. I started inquiring from my mother, questions like, “Why do we attend mass every Sunday, why out of nowhere we kneel” and so on. One remarkable question was, “What is the name of the white cloth worn by a priest during the mass?” A simple question from a young boy full of wonders. My mother replied, “That is a sacred cloth called (sutana) soutane”. “Sutana, sutana, sutana” I clearly remember that I kept repeating that word. Until in my dream, I saw myself wearing that cassock. That dream sowed in me the seed of desire to wear it in reality. It was not really my desire to become a priest, instead, I was longing to wear that white cloth. I didn’t realize wearing soutane is to be a priest, and my vocation unfolded.
In November 2006, super Typhoon Reming hit Bicol region, Albay being the center eyewall wherein the most damaging winds and intense rainfall were experienced. The cause of massive loss of life when mudflows from the Mayon Volcano buried many villages. The whole place was devastated, many lives were lost and others were missing. Many humanitarian and disaster responders came, brought relief goods, school supplies, etc. It so happened that some of them came to our place (Brgy. Itaran Polangui, Albay) to provide educational support, mentorship, and resources to help students continue their journey in school despite the trauma because of the typhoon. Before their arrival they already had a list of children that would attend the said program. Unfortunately, I was not in the list, yet my 8-year-old cousin was on the list. Since she cannot go alone I was tasked to accompany her. As the program began, a man approached me for a talk. We talked for a long time then, until he asked me if I would like to come with him to be an altar server? In my thought, I was asking; oh wait, is he a priest? I was dumbfounded and speechless. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, I just tilt my head to convey that I agree. He is Msgr. Crispin Bernarte Jr. the parish Priest of Polangui, Albay. To make the story short, I became an altar server at the age of 12 at Sts. Peter and Paul Parish in Polangui where he was a parish priest. I started to serve as an altar server on Sundays and accompany him at every he has mass outside mass. As a priest, he transferred from one parish to another and I was with him treating me as his son. He sent me to school until college. He was strict but caring, hot-headed but kind, a hardworking, intelligent, and religious person. Now, he is my ideal priest and it was because of him that my vocation developed. He taught me how to pray and the importance of prayer. Furthermore, every time we had road travel we pray the rosary. He encourages me to join some organizations like the New Evangelization Organization (NEO), Youth gatherings, and so on. For him, these organizations /communities will help me to strengthen my faith and build a relationship with God. He keeps on inspiring me by way of preaching and motivating actions in his ministry.
As time went by, I met two good friends (ex-seminarians and altar servers) and they invited me for an entrance examination for the priesthood to the Order of Saint Augustinian under the Vicariate of the Most Holy Name of Jesus of the Philippines (Now a province). On the day of the examination, I did not join them. My two friends Linus and Jordan took the examination. and both pass but only Jordan pursues. I felt a bit of regret and that keeps bothering me.Sometimes I caught myself overthinking about “what ifs” symptoms (as I call it) like, What if I joined them for examination? What would be the result? Could I pass? What would be my next step? So, I researched the Order of Saint Augustine. One thing that caught my attention was a white cloak with a hood (as I called it before) that they were wearing on the post. So, I confirmed it to Msgr. Crispin, he said, is a kind of cloak called habit for religious. I said, “It is different from your soutane and it is beautiful” he replied, a religious habit with a cincture for the Order of St.Augustine. It ends up developing my eagerness to enter the seminary because of that scenario.Perhaps, it was God’s way for me to recognize my vocation to priesthood.
After a year, I took the examination and with God’s grace, at the age of 18, I officially became a seminarian, same as with Jordan, and eventually wore the habit. After some time when I was already inside, I asked myself why I entered the seminary. The only thing I knew for sure, at first was, I am delighted to wear a habit. But, things get roughed and complicated as I journey inside. I had to choose between family and vocation. In the end, I decided to leave the seminary just to help my family financially.
Things changed and I had to be strong. I need to live alone. It was 2019, a first-year professed friar when my vocation was tested. I worked at BPO for just a few months. Several months later I worked in a pharmacy setup assigned as an assistant. The pandemic came then I had to resign. Several months later I was hired as a teacher in a catholic school. Not knowing that it was five years already when I left the seminary. I tried to convince myself not to regret it when I decided to go out. Instead, I was able to compare what was inside and outside of the formation. For example, sleeping and rising. Inside the seminary, these two are strictly followed. Sleeping and rising are well-ordered. Unlike, outside it is optional, why optional? It is up to you how many hours of sleep you want, what time you want to rise, when to sleep, where to sleep or even don’t sleep. 10:00 pm lights will be off. Early in the morning whether you like it or not, 5:30 am is a wake-up call. The bell will ring several times and you must be awake. While outside it is unlimited no bell rings unless there is a vendor of ice cream that usually passes by. You might sleep like a sleeping beauty and wait for a kiss to be awake. Anyway, there was a time when I said, at least, “Finally! I am out of the structure!” I am free! No wake-up call, no bell ring, sleeping earlier than 10 pm and woke up later than 5:30 am. I thought the world that I might encounter outside was modest and easy compared to what was inside the seminary, and that was a big mistake. I thought, since no one held back I was unhindered, but I was just trying to convince myself that I was fine outside. Here I came, I faced alone what makes lives in reality. I did my laundry, cooked, grocery, paid the bills, rented a motorcycle, rented an apartment, budgeting, debt, and so on. Out of curiosity, I tried things outside which seminary formation discourages. It was fun to experience earning and spending money from the salary that I earned. Having something to hand over to my parents after receiving the salary was a great undertaking. However, in addition to my satisfaction. I learned to drink alcohol, dated girls and returned home early in the morning from a night out with friends. It was some kind of relief. Those laughs, teasing, and storytelling together are just once in a while, and at that moment we call it friendship. A way of consoling myself after all.
After that sometimes I came to realize that I was just experiencing short-term happiness, I was staring into nothing. I was just imagining something that I could not attain at the moment. Realizing that I am longing for something that could be for long-term happiness. Recognizing long-term happiness will fall from where my vocation story begins. It is to wear the white cloth and to be a priest someday. So, now I am chasing that long-term happiness by continuing to wear a habit with a cincture. From white cloth to white cloak to Augustinian habit with the cincture.
May God always continue to inspire me, and give me wisdom, and courage as I continue my journey toward my vocation as I chase long-term happiness. (Nov. Dennis Bañares)
