Once upon a time, while I was reflecting during meditation in our college oratory, the tears suddenly fell from my eyes. It was maybe because I was being touched by the story of my vocation. Unexpectedly, something came up in my mind about my vocation with these questions. What really happened? And when did it all start? Who influenced my vocation? And why among all men from my town of Badian and Ginatilan, why me and not them? Lastly and most importantly, what thoroughly inspires me to choose Augustinian?
Maybe, some of you have also experienced asking questions like these. Well, I believe that our vocation should be reflected with the root of our experiences. It is beautiful to wonder sometimes about the tears of our vocation. For it helps us to appreciate the calling of God. These questions led me to acknowledge the source of my vocation. My answers to these questions are quite different from your experiences, but these revelations of mine might enlighten you the beauty of God’s calling to each one of us.
Honestly, I don’t really know what really happens. Some people are right to say that vocation is really a mystery. It is not our duty to really delve into what really happened. For God is a mystery. There was a moment I wondered what really happened to me, when God started to call me to this kind of life. I still cannot grasp it because only God knows everything. But what I am sure about was that my vocation started from a humble beginning with God.
I did not journey on my own but with God. For I was the kind of a child then, who always searched for God in communion with the Church. Who would ever think that a son from not devout family would always profess to himself as part of the church where Christ is the head. Though I knew at a very young age that I was born from an irresponsible family. But I continue to stand my faith in spite of imperfections. At first, it was difficult to accept that my parents were not active in the catholic church anymore. They do not participate anymore. In other words, they are not churchgoers. Maybe it was because they abandoned the church once in their life after they received the sacrament of marriage in the church.
Some of our neighbors even told me once that we do not belong to the church because my father had abandoned the catholic church. It’s true that I was discouraged or even shy to talk to them about our religion. I rather skipped because I felt hurt. However, it never hindered my journey with God. I continue to go forward despite the shortcomings of my parents.
Of course, as I go on along my journey, I never expected to distance myself from my family because I decided to be a working student. It was during my high school that I left my family and started to live in a convent of Daughters of Saint Teresa. They are active nuns. They have school in my town in Badian. I was the only man among the six working students of Saint James Academy. Unfortunately, after four years in the convent, I was the only one who continued because others left for some reasons. I could say that calling to religious life has started from that convent. Though my grandparents then, on the side of my mother, already taught me once to pray the rosary during my childhood. Certainly, the DST Sisters reminded me again the importance of prayer. It was because they taught me to pray the rosary and most of the time, I also attended the holy mass. There were some old nuns who visited our convent who encouraged me to enter religious life because they saw how prayerful I was. My reaction was only to smile at them. It was because I knew in myself even though they thought I was prayerful that I am not deserving because of some reasons.
I thought I was right then but after I was transferred to one of their senior high schools in Ginatilan. The calling to religious life never stops. I realized that they influenced me more to answer God’s call to religious life like them. They were my model of my chosen vocation. It was because I was inspired by them while I was in the convent. Most especially about community life, specifically the importance of prayer and other common acts in the community. I remember that during those times I sometimes imitated them even how busy I was because of my convent chores. For example, when I was assigned to cook during the morning or evening, I used to finish it early in order to attend the mass. They were all shocked but smiling when they saw me at their back during the sign of peace. It was then that I was literally a lover of holy eucharist. In fact, when there was no mass in our town, I usually went to the next town from Badian to Moalboal or Ginatilan to Samboan just to attend the holy mass.
Living with them in the convent has influenced me a lot. In fact, it was through them that I met and became friends with some priests. The DST nuns were also the bridge that I met and encountered the religious priests, especially the Augustinian. It was before the pandemic that the Augustinian- Province of Santo Nino de Cebu went into our school in Ginatilan and conducted a vocation campaign.
But even before it happened, I also met the Rogationist because their seminarians did Christmas caroling in our school. The sisters were also the one who introduced my name to them. Unfortunately, I was not accepted by the Rogationist. Maybe, their vocation promoter thought that I was forced by the sisters to join, but the truth was that I was worried about the financial expenses of their tuition fee. That is why after it had happened, I promised to myself not to worry when joining the Augustinian because as some priests would say that God will always provide.
Honestly, I thought I would not be accepted by Fr. Dante, the vocation promoter of the Augustinian. There were nine men including me from Ginatilan who joined the search-in but I was the only one among the nine who continue and pursue this kind of vocation. I do not know what was the reason why I still continued even though I was alone.
There were times that I asked God why the other seven men who passed did not continue. At first, I was thinking that maybe it was because of the situation that everyone had experienced, which is the pandemic. In fact, most of them told me the reason and one was the financial crisis of their family. However, they never knew that I was also struggling like them. I was also thinking of the situations of my parents. My father lost his job because of a lockdown. I encountered many problems that time on but I still decided to continue. That is why, Fr. Dante picked me in Ginatilan the day after my birthday. I was the only one since my seven classmates who passed decided not to continue.
For the past four years in my college formation years, I confirmed that God really planned everything. It was because there was a moment I was asking myself that despite my weaknesses, why is it that God still chooses me and not them. Maybe, it was because God does not choose the righteous but sinners (Luke 5:32). A sinner like me is not worthy of this vocation. This was mostly my expression before I entered the seminary because I thought seminary is a place of holy people. However, when I was accepted and started my journey in the seminary. I realized that God never chose me because I was perfect, rather I was chosen because I responded to his call.
At first, there were many adjustments I took before I was able to embrace life in the seminary. In fact, one challenge I faced was very common and that was to accept each brother’s different personality in the community. It was because we were from different places, backgrounds, and family. Otherwise, we create division inside the community. There was a point where I experienced an emotional and spiritual crisis. Fortunately, I was able to cope with those challenges and finally finish college years.
But what really inspires me then of the Order of Saint Augustine was their charism which is community life. It was true that I was already being introduced to community life by the sisters, but it was more deepened by some Augustinians friars. I was touched by their famous quotation by Saint Augustine that says “the main purpose for you having come together is to live harmoniously in your house, intent upon God in oneness of mind and heart.” In fact, before I reported to our seminary in Quezon City because I had the chance to live with the friars in the community of Basilica Minore Del Santo Nino for about more than two months. I perceived and observed them living a common life. Every time, they gathered together during a time of common acts like meals, and prayer, I always remember the famous quotation of their father Augustine. It was the moment that my heart was pierced to continue because of the beauty of the charism of the Augustinian.
As I was about to end my meditation that time, I suddenly realized that true calling to religious life is truly from God. It was because God is the source of one’s vocation. The source of that call certainly planned everything from the beginning.
For that reason, I believe that my vocation was part of God’s plan. I never plan on my own in order to skip problems in life. Every single experience started from a humble beginning. Fortunately, the goodness of the Lord was more gracious than my expectations. I never expected to stand my catholic faith even at a young age. Nor experience as a working student of catholic school where DST nuns had influenced me a lot in my vocation.
Most importantly, I never expected to become a seminarian of the Augustinian and be part of the Province of Santo Nino de Cebu. I was even shocked that I was able to reach four years in college. When in fact, it was not easy because there were many adjustments at the beginning of the seminary days. It may be because of the different struggles from academics such as the policy of one failure-out, where I almost fail some subjects, or struggles from community where one needs to accept the behaviors of each brother. There were some brothers in the seminary whom I am very close to and others were not. There were also some who were silent but easily got angry when feeling embarrassed. There were also some jokers who sometimes trampled your dignity as a human person. Another struggle can be from spiritual life for it is not easy to live inside when one experiences spiritual dryness. Sometimes, the beginning is the exciting part but when one experiences spiritual dryness, the prayer life of the seminarian is being affected like what I had experienced.
My vocation story in life never ends with those experiences. It is because I do not know the succeeding part of my journey today and the days to come. But I believe that God has a plan for each one of us whom he called. It is no longer our duty to know what will happen to us in the future whether we continue or not but I believe that what will be our final calling in the future will always be part of God’s call. For this is what the tears of vocation means. (Nov. Reymark Carcedo)
